When I think about gardening

I have been volunteering at a green house in our area. The last few days I have spent hours cleaning and dead-heading geraniums. I have never liked geraniums, now- even less, but at about hour 4 of dead heading, I learned something.


Geraniums make clusters of flowers which bloom over several days, They are actually quite pretty. But the lovely blossoms do not last very long and start to turn brownish gray in a few days- as most blossoms do. Here is what was so interesting to me: In the green house setting at least, if the blooms are left unpruned they develop botrytis, a fuzzy mold that is detrimental to the whole plant. Every petal that falls and lands on a leaf will begin to decompose and take the leaf with it. So this thing that was meant to be beautiful, if left alone, will destroy itself.

I picked off hundreds of molding and yellowing leaves and took the old blooms of as well, and here is where another lesson occurred to me. The geranium was created in such a way that if you trace the stem of a bud with your fingers you will eventually feel a small bump, bend the stem against the bump and the whole blossom will pop right off.  It was created to be prepared for pruning.

I'm standing over hundreds of geraniums and thinking, if I was in Narnia (no joke this is what i was thinking) the geranium would say, that hurts, why do you have to break off my buds, they are the beautiful part about me. And i would have to explain that the pain was a temporary and necessary part of the growth process because what was meant to be beautiful if left uncared for, unaccounted, would be hurtful.

Interesting too that the stem of the buds do make a small snapping sound when you prune them. Almost as if it is prepared, yet not ready- and needs to be broken to grow.

Made me think that beautiful things in my life that I chose to make more significant than God become botrytis because its beauty has left its proper context. It becomes a cancer that can warp and destroy. And so maybe God will take away some of the beautiful things so that I can grow and change, and grow some more. 

And sometimes I want to ask him why it has to hurt. 

When I think about 'being' wanted vs. 'being' needed

So recently I was thinking back to a devotional in Pioneer Clubs, I believe by Mrs. Barlow, which was launched with the question, "Is it better to be needed or wanted"? It may have been phrased "would you rather be needed or wanted"? Either way I said 'needed'. and to this day I think Mrs. Barlow thought I was being difficult. She explained that to be needed meant you had a purpose and function and were there because something was required of you, whereas being wanted was completely separate from anything you could offer to the situation. 

It has been swirly in my head for a week or so now. For the rest of the devotional I thought, 'It's better to be needed, that means something I CAN do, Something I have to OFFER is critical to what is happening right now.' 

Now, bear in mind I am remembering this as an adult, so my vocabulary has hopefully changed from whatever 4th grade day dream type logic I had at that time.

To be wanted makes me think, 'If I wasn't here, would it matter?, Things would go on without me.' To be needed is almost a power thing for me, 'I am here for this thing, these people, my dog, this problem and I affect its out come with the uniqueness of me'.... I have confessed my narcissism before.

... honesty is about to ensue, brace yourself

I struggle with resenting God for not needing me. If I am needed for a task, a project, a person- I can measure that, I can determine my value, I can weigh out my entitlement here and now on this earth against... well you know- others.

But to be wanted, just because He chose to love me first, to draw me first. That He is incapable of loving me less for screwing up, or loving me more for rocking at my job, or my art- I don't know where to put that. I don't even know how to be thankful for it. 

Seems so freeing, yet I run- like a momma Rhino after something else to measure me, to value me, to love me fically and conditionally. I run, maybe you do to, away from peace, thinking "there is no way that is enough, there is no way contentment is possible" and I run- to materialism (via pinterest), to my job, to my garden, to friendships, to adventure, to my husband. And I say, 'You be God, you create the scale and the weights and I will pull out the stops to measure up'

Mmmm, striving... yum. Give me an inspiring goal and I will run with great force, plowing everything under that stands in my way- tireless energy.. well, used too.  After achievement- glorious achievement, I didn't feel much glory, I didn't feel .... measured, and as I held so tightly onto whatever most recent 'success'- it became like water. Never enough, never staying in my palm- running through my white knuckles and clenched fists. 

"If you knew the gift of God, and who it is that is saying to you, ‘Give me a drink,’ you would have asked him, and he would have given you living water...Everyone who drinks of this water will be thirsty again, ¹⁴ but whoever drinks of the water that I will give him will never be thirsty again.The water that I will give him will become in him a spring of water welling up to eternal life.” John 4:10,14

yes.    and amen.

when i think about God and my smart phone

So this analogy has been swirling in my head recently. I have been helping with youth group for about 8 months and recently the truth of salvation compared to sanctification has been smacking me in the face a bit.

I have wondered, worried, prayed, relinquished, re-worried, released my place in the lives of these teens. I look at them and wonder where there spiritual life is 'at' and this is the thought i have.

We treat Jesus like an APP... maybe you don't but I do. Jesus is an app we add to our smartphone life, of the hundreds of thousands of spiritual app options we choose Jesus because we believe in Him we believe Him. We believe the salvation message. And then we add him to the gamut of life apps. Maybe we even put Him in a spiritual cubby with our Bible or verse of the day app. 

Here's the thing. Jesus is maybe more like an operating system. He wants to come in and completely take over every aspect of our phone life... Every app, every data usage minute is coursing through his control. 

And maybe the old operating system, the one that is based in selfish existentialism is still there, and sometimes, or a lot of the time, this phantom operating system that is dead and conquered and replaced by a more perfect operating system still tries to come back and run apps, and accept programs and data --- as it used to do.

Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation.^[a] The old has passed away; behold, the new has come. 2 Cor 5:17

Likewise, my brothers, you also have died to the law through the body of Christ, so that you may belong to another, to him who has been raised from the dead, in order that we may bear fruit for God. 5For while we were living in the flesh, our sinful passions, aroused by the law, were at work in our members to bear fruit for death. 6But now we are released from the law, having died to that which held us captive, so that we serve in the new way of the Spirit and not in the old way of the written code.  Romans 7:4-6

Sometimes I look for the old operating system, as if it has something to offer... and that's where this analogy fall apart completely. Because we are incapable of understanding His Grace. When we fail him and lose sight of him, question him, counter him, disobey him, and forget how to love him- He is still there, saying, 'I still love you- not more or less, I can not love more or less, I love you.'

if we are faithless, he remains faithful—

for he cannot deny himself. 2 Tim 2:13

Do you now believe? ³² Behold, the hour is coming, indeed it has come, when you will be scattered, each to his own home, and will leave me alone. Yet I am not alone, for the Father is with me. ³³ I have said these things to you, that in me you may have peace. In the world you will have tribulation. But take heart; I have overcome the world John 16:31-33

I do not ask for these only, but also for those who will believe in me through their word, ²¹ that they may all be one, just as you, Father, are in me, and I in you, that they also may be in us, so that the world may believe that you have sent me. ²² The glory that you have given me I have given to them,that they may be one even as we are one, ²³ I in them and you in me, that they may become perfectly one, so that the world may know that you sent me and loved them even as you loved me. ²⁴ Father, I desire that they also, whom you have given me, may be with me where I am, to see my glory that you have given me because you loved me before the foundation of the world. ²⁵ O righteous Father, even though the world does not know you, I know you, and these know that you have sent me. ²⁶ I made known to them your name, and I will continue to make it known, that the love with which you have loved me may be in them, and I in them.” John 17:20-26

when i think about cynicism

cynicism... sarcasm that has made the greater leap towards bitterness. I have this reoccurring experience where I move to a new place an meet one, usually specifically one cynical person, sometimes a few. People who can not see the light in much and enjoy seeing the antithesis of joy.

I am drawn, like lottery winner to infomercials. I want to impress, or please, or pacify them. How do you win the admiration of a cynic? Cynicism (though not really, and I will get to that later). I had a friend recently say that she thought being cynical in the christian faith was popular because it seems smarter, to question everything, to doubt everything, to trust nothing. But it drains joy to not be able to stand on faith in those absolute truth, absolute faith moments. Not only that it drains hope, inspiration, love, and general mental and spiritual energy-this I say from experience.

So, I am working on a piece of art today- three actually, one of which might die in a fire soon- and I wonder what my cynic friend would say, what they would say to my face, what they would say behind my back. What they would think. Because aren't cynics really just bitter people walking around looking for something to dissect? So I wonder how they would dissect my art.

And that in turn caused me to consider the childhood idea that being invisible would be neat because you could see what people say about you- as narcissistic as I tend to be I assumed as a child that many people were talking about me. But what about the super power of knowing other's thoughts: ah, the true root of cynicism. To be able to validate or destroy your theories, doubts fears. To know someones true character. This would make us all cynics- don't you think.

Perhaps that's why there is only one who could bear the thoughts of us all, and after fore-knowing them all,     them    all.  He still loved us.  Loves  us.   And died for us.  Not cynically, but willingly.  Not bitterly, but in perfect peace, though anguish filled as it was.

And

Lives for us. Lives for us to have joy. To have communion with him.

Therefore, since we are surrounded by so great a cloud of witnesses, let us also lay aside every weight, and sin which clings so closely, and let us run with endurance the race that is set before us, 2looking to Jesus, the founder and perfecter of our faith, 

who for the joy that was set before him endured the cross, 

despising the shame, and is seated at the right hand of the throne of God.3Consider him who endured from sinners such hostility against himself, so that you may not grow weary or fainthearted.

Hebrews 12:..

when i think about resentment

So the last few days I have been ready for spring. Really. I am longing for spring in a way I did not expect.

Now I don't want to get to flowery here, you know how sometimes a blog goes on an on and you think of 'I love Lucy' when she imitates Ricky and goes 'blegjablah blahj' so I will simply say I love winter.

Or at least I have in the past. But this year I did not appreciate it nearly as much. I was sucked into the over abundance of negativity about the season, the icey walks, the cold mornings, the snowy roads.

And this past week- I was done- 'ok snow, GO' I have been saying in my mind. I resent this snow- deeply. I am thinking about new life, new growth, new hope of gardening and dreaming and barefoot walking, of letting my chickens peck around the woods. I am longing for spring.

It's as if I have forgotten that it will come, and that I can not will it to come at any point or affect its timing whatsoever. I just resent that it is not here - uhm, NOW.

How like my walk with the Lord. Lord, could you do this thing now that I want so much. I find that the next thing is the only thing I appreciate, the next thing is beautiful and exciting, new and satisfying. And I am completely blind to anything that might be beautiful or satisfying about the still, even cold, silence of a wintery time.

I find that I struggle. I find that I resent where the Lord has me right now. I have even talked to my husband about it, confessed to him, and to God, that I sometimes think about where else I would be if I wasn't committed to him. Wisdom spoke into my life in this place and said, 'Anna, Your husband didn't put you here, God did.' So simple right? But then I would have to face God about whether or not I am happy or not with where I am- and I'm just saying, have you ever tried to change God's mind. Go ahead, try it and get back to me. This is the area I need grace in. I want to change everyone, I want to change God. oh thank Him, thank Him that I can do neither.

And so in times when I resent, so deeply, the icy slope to my car maybe I will remember, maybe tomorrow I mean, I will remember that He has made the ice, and the slope and the winter for a purpose and I am in them for a purpose.

when i think about discipleship

Our church had a 'workday' today. Painting, disinfecting scrubbing, de-wallpapering, organizing, installing light fixtures. We had families come, handed out packets of wipes to younger kids to clean all the toys and paint brushes to the older kids to prime.

It was messy, and beautiful, and discipleship

I was talking to someone a while back about the youth group we have launched. I am not really into it. I love the kids, the games, the devotions, the leader ;) but after wanting a youth group for so long, I find I am much happier to watch teens interacting with all these different ages. To see our oldest deacon and wife showing kids where to find rags and how to remove wall paper. And to trust that there are some teens ushering kids around to organize or dust, they are being discipled practically, while discipling.

It's pretty neat to watch.

These are favorite moments in my life.

When God brings different ages together.

Our only junior high girl hanging out with a junior and senior on our retreat was another example of this, melding of growth- in different places and reaching out to each other.

I used to clean the church with Joan Bohn, she did the work really, I followed her around and talked, and talked. She would listen and be so sweet when I wanted to carry her baby around at 12 years old. She said she only had one boyfriend before she met her husband. I thought that was ridiculous, what are teenage years for if not to date?! But I always, always remembered that. And, I understand it now.

Don't get me wrong, I have no intention of putting the kabosh on youth group- but I am beginning to realize I hold other things closer to my heart. To see the Kingdom in these moments

. I had a Pastor once call them 'thin places', when the what God is doing right now, spiritually doesn't seem far away at all.

when i think your God is too big for me

You know those moments when a thought in your head is insanely witty, or humorous.... and then later you go to write it down and    -nothing... me. I have had thoughts for blogs, but lately I think too many people have too much to say. So I try to limit my blogs for when my thoughts are more ironed out, or at least re-occur to me enough that I want to share the journey. This one will be revised and hatched and re-written several times, and may never make the web (yet will still have typo-s).


I want to be different.

I love to be different.

It's becoming a pride thing how important it is to me. I am defined by it, by me- being myself, my way... my identity. 

So what happens when all the things that define me encounter God, when I realize I am trying to hold water.

Chris and I entered 'full-time' ministry just over a year ago. It's in quotes for many reasons. Am I in 'full-time' ministry if Chris is the one with the job description? Isn't every one in 'full-time' ministry? Does it count if we aren't sharing the gospel? .... really, 'full-time' ministry means.... (in most cases) 1.  we get our paycheck from christians, 2. we're poor(ish)

The post-summer camp season has been significantly difficult (gives you an idea how long ago I started this blog). Having stepped away from a summer where I did everything I thought I 'had always wanted to do', I felt empty.

... And I try to be open as wise people say, 'It's not about what you do... it's about Him (or it's about being) (or it's about love)' and I think- 'ok, how do I do that'. How does one fill emptiness by doing nothing, it would seem an action is needed.

I am not sure how to meet with God, how to encounter him. How to be grateful that his grace covers the annoying people in my life. I feel superficial when my greatest concerns are whether Chris will track salty, muddy, snow through the house and if people will like my pizza dough.  'These are the areas your blood covers?! Really?, I'm so lame'.  (I say things like this to God)

I am not sure how to encounter teens and say, 'pray bigger-than-yourself-prayers. That's when you will understand why we need God, why we need scripture' and I then turn and fume, FUME over trite things, every day things, things which when I meet God will I turn in shame as Jesus says, 'I died for that'.

But he was wounded for our transgressions; he was crushed for our iniquities; upon him was the chastisement that brought us peace, and with his stripes we are healed. (Is 53:5) 

He was wounded, crushed, forsaken  for my selfishness, my pig-headedness, my alienating perfectionism... It makes me wish I had murdered someone (though not really. but if we are being HONEST) so that I could say, 'yes, the big sins, thank you Jesus for shedding your blood for my big, horrific sins'. 

But no, my sins are more disgusting, more putrid, because I am fairly good at making them lovely. I want to move MY OWN mountains, and SAVE people with my critically-deveoloped theology, and CHANGE them- I so so want to change people, I would make a GREAT Holy Spirit. And I like the sound of that, so you see, I sympathize with Lucifer- I am evil and lost without God, I want to be Him. 

Your God is too big for me, a God who can love me.. ME? The person constantly saying, 'Jesus, thank you, but could you please move over so I can get some stuff done'. ?! 

At some point in my 'faith- walk, journey, Christian life' I started becoming Jesus... but not in the way you think, I started to really believe I am a savior, I am going into full-time ministry one day to save people ( I would think) I am needed in this world- isn't everyone so lucky to have me. 

And so these thoughts have been swirling my my head for a few months, about ministry and grace, and the 'real' me I hope no one ever sees. And I have recently found some comfort in this idea:

Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation; the old has gone, the new has come! All this is from God, who reconciled us to himself through Christ and gave us the ministry of reconciliation: that God was reconciling the world to himself in Christ, not counting men’s sins against them. 

I have always thought the 'old that has gone' was any sin pre-'sinners prayer'. I am working on believing, on internalizing, being free in and living out that the old, is the flesh I will still fight with every day, and it is the old that is dead, though still fighting with me this moment. 

BUT God, being rich in mercy, because of the great love with which he loved us, even when we were dead in our trespasses, made us alive together with Christ—by grace you have been saved— and raised us up with him and seated us with him in the heavenly places in Christ Jesus, so that in the coming ages he might show the immeasurable riches of his grace in kindness toward us in Christ Jesus. For by grace you have been saved through faith. And this is not your own doing; it is the gift of God, not a result of works, so that no one may boast. For we are his workmanship, created in Christ Jesus for good works, which God prepared beforehand, that we should walk in them.

.... So as the doubts and anger and general sin-ingness swirl in my head I work on saying, 

not 'But, God?' and instead:

'BUT GOD'.

So that I can begin to be defined not by my differentiality... but by Him.

Mercy, yes.

Grace, yes.

Hope, oh yes.

Freedom, hopefully, by grace- soon.

Love. YES. From the one who is love, who became love in human form.

It's all to big for me. Surpassing, if you will.