when i think feeling my faith is important

I have a corner in our back room devoted to my personal artistic mess. Lately it has been just a mess. I have wanted to paint but have not felt any inspiration, and even when I feel motivated enough to try anyway, my stuff comes out all wonky.

Chris and I also shared the unique experience of having Christmas just the two of us this year... well three, Pippin is still alive. We got up and made waffles, eggs & bacon. Opened our presents to each other, went on a winter walk, got a visit from some friends and spent the rest of the day watching movies and hanging out. It didn't feel like Christmas, not in the sense of what my idea of Christmas is, chaos, noise, impish delight, and extended family. But it was Christmas, and I had been praying that Christmas would be less about the other stuff and more about the point.

So back to my art, it doesn't feel like art.... I mean there are some moments when I think it's coming along, and then realize if anyone else saw it they would ask if I was cleaning my brushes. So tonight I made myself sit down and paint (sorry, NO pictures to follow). I spread a blanket out in the corner, forced some crimson, ocher, sage green, and a few creative sounding blues onto my disposable palate and started painting the background of a piece I have in my head, 'let there be light'. As I was trying to paint 'the beginning', the darkness- I liked the idea of swirling the reddish brownish greenish blues toward and away from my point of light. As if the darkness was fleeing the light.

{And honestly, as I try to put my thoughts together I wonder how people blog every day, and how people do that well.}

I see this collage in my head of thoughts. Light causing darkness to flee. The creation of the universe, the hope of Christ's light in my own darkness. And, of course there are a dozen other things in the collage too. But as I'm journeying along in ministry, I'm not especially overwhelmed by things feeling the way i think they should feel. It doesn't make them less real.

So I am thankful for worship songs committed to memory, which, when they come on pandora have me singing lovely harmonies and remembering a time when I 'felt' his faithfulness more than i do right now. He is still faithful, he is still near. I hold tightly to the idea that Jesus likely did not feel a spiritual high, or joy as I like to define joy, when he took my sin naked on a cross.

Despised for me, rejected for me. Drawing me first, loving me completely.

When I think I know what it takes to be a Pastor

Ah yes, so I have a catchy tag for my blogs... for the moment anyway, anyone who reads these knows I am incredibly inconsistent and may not post again for months. Just as well, too many people spout opinions and nonsense on blogs that I have decided I'd rather wait until my nonsense seems really important to post it.

A little while back I had the privilege of watching some children I care a lot about! It was a unique experience because it involved overnights and being away from my husband. And on about day 3 I figured out what it takes to be a pastor.

Heh.

So lets just make a spiritual comparison to parenting (I'm not a parent) and see where we end up.  I was watching three children, one still in diapers, two of them still 'napping'. So somewhere along the way the goal of pure entertainment and fun has to hit the reality of parameters, rules and sanity (at least some sanity). So when I don't cut breakfast waffles the right direction and two out of the three kids are crying as kid three spills milk down the front of herself and also, then, begins crying I start to wonder why God thinks this is the best method of creating a running a planet. All of us raising each other and trying so hard to do something truly, biblically, 'good' but not really getting any credit or satisfaction. So I blurt out something very loving and compassionate like, 'these waffles are fine and they are not going anywhere so you might as well try them. They taste the same, I PROMISE'. Yea, Pastors never loose their patience.

... or how about when child in diapers has pooped but doesn't want me to change him yet so that it starts to leak/osmosi-size out the pant leg. I mean really, picture that eery brownish patch growing near adorably chubby but stinky thighs- I would compare this to sin... maybe a Pastor would say, I see this in your life, it needs to change, it will harm you, and, honestly, it stinks. But we are resistant and resilient to his loving  pleas. Are we expecting him to wrestle us to the ground like I had to do with said toddler?

Or that moment when it is bed time, and I am just looking forward to watching reruns of 'say yes to the dress' but each child needs unique attention, they need to be cared for, poured into, .... changed. And in that moment I wonder if a Pastor might say, when will someone pour into me?

So as I was watching these children I thought from time to time, don't they know I want to help them, have fun with them, keep them safe. And (honestly, so much more) I thought about how much their parents live a life that does all those things. Amidst tantrums and their questioning my motive for choosing a pear for lunch snack instead of grapes I thought, I do this to my pastor... I do this to God.

(Just so you know it wasn't an awful week, this is going somewhere.)

All this to say, on our way anywhere, I would pop in Chris Tomlin or David Crowder. On the first day of our babysitting adventure the song 'Our God' started playing. I heard the sound of angels... ok I heard the sound of three kids (even the one in diapers) singing along. And as I tried to watch the road I also watched in the rearview mirror as all three did motions along with the words that magnified the greatness of God. And I wept. The presence of God in a mini-van.

Maybe this is what it takes to be a Pastor. To be willing to give everything to the point of exhaustion (and so far beyond), spiritual, emotional, physical exhaustion, watching your spiritual children question you motives, resist your guidance. To watch children you have loved with everything you have only to watch them walk away from it all. And in turn, to try to release it to the Lord.

But to also see them encounter Christ. To see moments of them learning something new, to watch an idea or concept sink in and to be blessed to witness that moment when the Kingdom of God is not so far away.

when i think i have something to say

I wrote a friend this morning who I haven't talked to lately and at one point in the message I said, 'ministry isn't as glamorous as I thought it would be.'

does anyone else struggle with this- with really thinking it should *feel like something, like we truly are 'other -worldly' and as we are here so temporarily AND therefore the laundry does't matter so much.  Well here I am, trying to figure out a life where I am VERY this-worldly, where I care about the way my laundry is folded, and how long there will be ugly wood paneling in my house, and when i will be able to say, 'God is doing this great thing and it hurts but it's so good'... and not be thinking about primer.

i struggle with my shallowness verses the things unseen, because, well- they are unseen and the stuff i want is right here on this magazine page.  I struggle with thinking i am God's gift to everyone (yes i am that arrogant) and i struggle with loving a truly wonderful humble husband because he doesn't put the toaster away.

so lately i have not been praying for anything too big- just, love. "God, give me love for..." I pray for love for the CHURCH and my church, for teens and the older cashiers at the walmart counter who take a long time but probably thought they would be retired in florida by now.

so lately i have been going to the same bank teller every time i deposit a check, talking to her during her cigarette break, and mostly just conveying to her my thankfulness that she doesn't make fun of me when i get my deposit slip wrong every time... (yes, john, i am still bad a math, even with a bachelors) and i hope she somehow sees Jesus.

it's not glamorous- but i hope it's beautiful.


"beautiful, beautiful, Jesus is Beautiful. And Jesus makes beautiful things of my life. carefully touching me, causing my eyes to see Jesus makes things of my life"

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7lvrOAzu5V4

One blog per summer? looks like it...

Well- This summer I didn't have a whole lot of spare time so the little I had was not about to be spent in front of a screen.  So, here is a synopsis of the summer.

 The season started with a LOT of programming with STEPHANIE REBIS! We worked out curriculum for 7 weeks of themes. The goal was to go through the Bible in the course of the summer so that campers would learn something different no matter how many weeks they attended. We also helped develop orientation and get to know you games for the staff. My favorite part about that was making mailboxes for the staff using cans!

Then the last week of June we had 20+ hours of high ropes. My least favorite part was the swing so here is a pic of Steph being incredibly adventurous ( I sort of looked like a drunk avatar with my hair tail swinging behind me as i healed on for dear life) 

This is Lindsay and Charlie, one of the many truly wonderful staff this summer. This was the night before we needed some supplies for 'Olympics' week- clearly they were helping me find gold medals... :)

The campers.... what it's all about. We had weeks ranging from 35-100 in attendance. It was phenomenal to see the staff work with each camper. Every day we had chapel in the morning and devos after lunch. I was amazed by the ability of the counselors to develop devotions and minister to these kids 5 days a week all summer. Our season runs from July-August - 7 weeks of... everything.

We enjoyed sunsets over the lake every week- some of them full of color- some calm as glass. I, with the help of staff and campers, started a nature cabin this summer- we had 5 terrariums and kids would catch everything from spiders, to frogs to snakes... one mole, some newts... and crayfish- it was interesting letting everything go each week!  

 For our anniversary I was going to get Chris a leatherman (he lost his, or maybe it was Dave- the verdict is still out) but the week before he found this Jeep for $100 bucks so 'Happy Anniversary Chris' now he has a new project which he is enjoying more than i could possibly understand.

I was very excited to fit in my wedding dress 4 years to the day- yesssss!

We called the last week of camp 'Around the world in 5 days' and talked about missions locally and internationally. We tried to introduce the kids to missionaries and begin to open their world up a bit to the needs around them. To help them internalize this- we played games each day that had to do with a third-world type activity. We played stick ball, did a water relay where they had to carry water on their head up from the beach, we taught them some african dances and below we had them collect fire for a campfire and then popped corn over it (a HUGE success, thankfully!)

ok- so there are more pics on my photo stream- but i don't want overwhelm the wifi here. so a few take aways from the summer:

- programming is something i love- really, the details and the prep and the wacky games are so much fun!
- the programming can not get someone saved... and i had to learn, and am still learning, to let some of that go and see relationships in a sort of braid with the logistics ultimately knotted, or used... or threaded through the Holy Spirit.
- love is difficult ... 
- seeing someone truly understand the gospel for the first time is unmatchable, priceless
- my husband is an incredible, patient, godly man
- there are a lot of tasks, things around the house, stuff in my life that i need to purge for the sake of relationships.


*redeemed how I love to proclaim it-

The end is near

I saw hunger games last night. I won't give a review or commentary on the metaphors but I will say it caused me to reconsider how the end is near.

I keep thinking if I really understood how the end times will be (in horror and pain)I would share the gospel... But the reality is- the end is near for thousands of souls at this moment - and at this moment I am as vain as those fictional characters in the Capitol , I'm just better at hiding it.

Ministry + Earthly Reality + Future reality= life as i know it

I stopped blogging- you may have noticed. I just couldn't think of anything to say. I don't know where people get these ideas from to write about and i have had friends encouraging me to recount the journey of ministry- but I have no idea where to pull the words from. So here is an attempt to fill you in honestly and succinctly on the reality of our current ministry.


Chris and I have been living at Sacandaga Bible Conference in Broadalbin, NY since September of last year. Chris is the maintenance director here and I... I catch a lot of Price is Right... (joke-sort of) I help here and there. Got to paint Chris' office and help design the camp brochure for 2012. Mostly any movement for me has been through our church. Have been just trying to meet and love people- have meals, live in other people lives in the hope of changing the world.

And this is where I am trying to face God because the picture I thought he was giving me and the reality of ministry are so very different. I thought I would come, like a force of nature and put my energy into this camp until the point of exhaustion. I thought we would renovate the A-frame we live in and make it the place people come to for safety, hugs, weeping, prayer and definitely singing and dancing! But the picture i cant see is so different.

People come to our house, despite the rather hideous paneling and spiders, and I try to accept that my home will never be featured in some cool thrifty renovation article. And the picture includes exactly enough for our needs plus the occasional date or movie, but i surrender my aesthetic expectations to the God who will sacrifice the physical for the sake of my spiritual growth.

And the picture brings a friend named Stephanie who somehow will have the same yet not the same job as me this summer (nevermind) who i can pray with and dream and plan with and hopefully come up with exciting games and themes for the summer. But it scares me too because I don't know where it will all go or come from or if it will happen.

There are pieces i think i can see but i struggle with skepticism- will this happen, is there hope- how long will i sit in this ministry waiting room?

And in the picture i realize i am just as much as ever an insane control freak, a narcissist and scared of being alone all while running every time something starts feeling too rhythmic. So as I am here, in Ny, in the woods I had been longing for- God has handed me a mirror.. plus himself.

not my home and not my home

sorry it has been a while since my last post- I am by no means a consistent, or addicted blogger.

The saturday after thanksgiving the same person who tiled our bathroom helped us by tiling our woodstove wall also. We now have a slate back splash and base for the stove and it is really beautiful! It was interesting though, we got into a conversation about the type of accent strip I wanted on the wall and i couldn't decide so i blurted out, 'well it's not my home and it's not my home so it doesn't really matter'. If only i was more disciplined in living this truth.

We live at Sacandaga Bible Camp in one of their cabins and so in a literal sense it is not my home because i don't own it. But in a more literal, more.... truer spiritual reality this is not my home at all. And yet every few days, or hours i get sucked into trying to make my life and my house look like a magazine. I believe in using the 5 senses to enjoy beauty and that even that enjoyment worships God- but i also think that i am prone to spend more time worshiping a cute stack of old books or antique bottles than my savior.

So I am trying to remain just a bit displaced. :)