When I think about 'being' wanted vs. 'being' needed

So recently I was thinking back to a devotional in Pioneer Clubs, I believe by Mrs. Barlow, which was launched with the question, "Is it better to be needed or wanted"? It may have been phrased "would you rather be needed or wanted"? Either way I said 'needed'. and to this day I think Mrs. Barlow thought I was being difficult. She explained that to be needed meant you had a purpose and function and were there because something was required of you, whereas being wanted was completely separate from anything you could offer to the situation. 

It has been swirly in my head for a week or so now. For the rest of the devotional I thought, 'It's better to be needed, that means something I CAN do, Something I have to OFFER is critical to what is happening right now.' 

Now, bear in mind I am remembering this as an adult, so my vocabulary has hopefully changed from whatever 4th grade day dream type logic I had at that time.

To be wanted makes me think, 'If I wasn't here, would it matter?, Things would go on without me.' To be needed is almost a power thing for me, 'I am here for this thing, these people, my dog, this problem and I affect its out come with the uniqueness of me'.... I have confessed my narcissism before.

... honesty is about to ensue, brace yourself

I struggle with resenting God for not needing me. If I am needed for a task, a project, a person- I can measure that, I can determine my value, I can weigh out my entitlement here and now on this earth against... well you know- others.

But to be wanted, just because He chose to love me first, to draw me first. That He is incapable of loving me less for screwing up, or loving me more for rocking at my job, or my art- I don't know where to put that. I don't even know how to be thankful for it. 

Seems so freeing, yet I run- like a momma Rhino after something else to measure me, to value me, to love me fically and conditionally. I run, maybe you do to, away from peace, thinking "there is no way that is enough, there is no way contentment is possible" and I run- to materialism (via pinterest), to my job, to my garden, to friendships, to adventure, to my husband. And I say, 'You be God, you create the scale and the weights and I will pull out the stops to measure up'

Mmmm, striving... yum. Give me an inspiring goal and I will run with great force, plowing everything under that stands in my way- tireless energy.. well, used too.  After achievement- glorious achievement, I didn't feel much glory, I didn't feel .... measured, and as I held so tightly onto whatever most recent 'success'- it became like water. Never enough, never staying in my palm- running through my white knuckles and clenched fists. 

"If you knew the gift of God, and who it is that is saying to you, ‘Give me a drink,’ you would have asked him, and he would have given you living water...Everyone who drinks of this water will be thirsty again, ¹⁴ but whoever drinks of the water that I will give him will never be thirsty again.The water that I will give him will become in him a spring of water welling up to eternal life.” John 4:10,14

yes.    and amen.