when i think about resentment

So the last few days I have been ready for spring. Really. I am longing for spring in a way I did not expect.

Now I don't want to get to flowery here, you know how sometimes a blog goes on an on and you think of 'I love Lucy' when she imitates Ricky and goes 'blegjablah blahj' so I will simply say I love winter.

Or at least I have in the past. But this year I did not appreciate it nearly as much. I was sucked into the over abundance of negativity about the season, the icey walks, the cold mornings, the snowy roads.

And this past week- I was done- 'ok snow, GO' I have been saying in my mind. I resent this snow- deeply. I am thinking about new life, new growth, new hope of gardening and dreaming and barefoot walking, of letting my chickens peck around the woods. I am longing for spring.

It's as if I have forgotten that it will come, and that I can not will it to come at any point or affect its timing whatsoever. I just resent that it is not here - uhm, NOW.

How like my walk with the Lord. Lord, could you do this thing now that I want so much. I find that the next thing is the only thing I appreciate, the next thing is beautiful and exciting, new and satisfying. And I am completely blind to anything that might be beautiful or satisfying about the still, even cold, silence of a wintery time.

I find that I struggle. I find that I resent where the Lord has me right now. I have even talked to my husband about it, confessed to him, and to God, that I sometimes think about where else I would be if I wasn't committed to him. Wisdom spoke into my life in this place and said, 'Anna, Your husband didn't put you here, God did.' So simple right? But then I would have to face God about whether or not I am happy or not with where I am- and I'm just saying, have you ever tried to change God's mind. Go ahead, try it and get back to me. This is the area I need grace in. I want to change everyone, I want to change God. oh thank Him, thank Him that I can do neither.

And so in times when I resent, so deeply, the icy slope to my car maybe I will remember, maybe tomorrow I mean, I will remember that He has made the ice, and the slope and the winter for a purpose and I am in them for a purpose.